Care versus Concern…and why do I consider Concern to be black magic??!!
This is what I have been preaching to myself and all those who are sweet enough to listen to my external processing;) I was clearly meant to explore these concept for myself and it started when Jake was choosing between two different branches to make a job change a few months ago. At the time we were talking lots about codependence. I tend to go into worry and overwhelm when there are big decisions on our plate. Because we are working on our interdependence (see last post) in our relationship, we had to take a deep look at where we were dependent on each other. It was clear that I depended on Jake for a whole slew of things but I had to dig to see where Jake depended on me outside of my roles as wife and mother. I think my biggest concern used to be plugging Jake’s emotions into me. What is he thinking? Is he mad, happy, content? Does he need my help? Does he want more, less whatever? I was picking up his emotions and processing them before he even discovers having any emotions;)I started to explore the word concern for myself. Jake had mentioned that the decision in front of us, was not a big concern…there were two companies that wanted him and they were both beautiful options, and not something to worry about. After checking in with my own emotions I realized that I was processing how his decision would effect his friends and co-workers (ie..the toxic pattern of “what will people think). That was when we both realized that I was going to the emotions on the decision that weren’t even about me!! This is when I started to hear myself preaching on some inner knowledge coming through about care and concern.
As a woman, I think it is our gift that we care. We have empathy and compassion (not to say that men don’t, I just think that this is our automatic go to). WE CARE! What is interesting is that in working with women, we are tipping the scale at an alarming imbalance of not taking care of ourselves.
The emotions behind breast problems according to Louise L. Hay’s book, ‘You Can Heal Your Life‘, A refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Overmothering. Overprotection. Overbearing attitude. I find that super interesting as we see a rise in breast cancer and a correlation with women not knowing how to define self-care. “Self-care…who has time for that…I’ve got too much on my plate to even think about myself” (says many women in my life…often) Before we take a deeper look at self-care (better known as RECEIVING, which will be in the next post:) first I would like to get into concern. Care is my natural state as a woman. Concern is when I start to want something for someone else. I am surrounded by potential concerns at all times.
In fact, I believe women are brilliant when it comes to the system that we have created to keep ourselves from going within. As long as we aren’t navigating our own terrain, then we don’t have to pay attention to those emotions and callings inside that might make life uncomfortable. In order to stay out of the place calling us the loudest, we keep ourselves in a state of concern and doing! When we are concerned about something, we allow that something to plug into us. You see, women are receivers…we are build to receive. Depending on how many things we want for someone or something else determines how many concerns we have plugged into us at any given time. And those concerns suck our energy every minute that they are plugged into us. Once we are depleted enough, we reach that point that I have been at so many times in my life of, “I’m overwhelmed…it’s too much…I just want to quit.” Here’s a look at all the potential concerns that I keep close to my heart:)
I could totally be concerned that I have a teenager according to the majority of responses by most when they hear that my oldest is about to attend high school. “oh good luck, those are the toughest years. Get ready for the attitude.” No thank you, I don’t think that is one concern that I am going to allow to plug into me. I would rather hold onto excitement for the incredible man he is becoming and that each phase keeps getting better and better!
How about the fact that I have a tween girl that is about to embark on womanhood. “Get ready for the emotions flying and the drama.” No concern here either. I am so grateful to be able to witness such an inspiring little woman!
Surely I could be concerned about this world that we are raising our kids in and how their kids are going to be the ones to suffer..Or that Jamie’s heart could get broken one day. Or they are going to mess up, or get hurt, or the million other things that I have wasted my daydreaming on. Is there a concern here that I want to have plug into me…NO THANK YOU! I could be concerned of all things on Jake’s plate, or the zit on my forehead, what’s for dinner, my parent’s health….the list goes on and on and it was time for me to get a hold of my concern levels!
My dear friend Charlene gave me an even more powerful way to look at this subject for myself. Allow myself to take you on a metaphysical timeout where I ask us all to go into our imagination for a different aspect. She says to me…
“When you want something for someone else, you are putting a spell on them….that’s black magic.” Whoa! What I have unfolded for myself since that comment was this…
When I want something for someone else more than they want it. I am putting black magic on them. They didn’t ask me for a spell and they don’t want a spell. I can only use my magic for myself. As long as I am putting spells on someones and somethings all day (ie. CONCERN) I am wasting my magic and when I go to use my wand for something that matters inside me, there is nothing left! Holy epiphany for me!!!
So I was explaining this to Tré and Jamie in the car yesterday and I threw in all sorts of examples of ways I might have casted spells on them in the past and we discussed where they might be casting spells in their lives (again, we are just talking about concern in a playful way:) And Tré says to me, “wait…when did you stop casting spells on me in basketball? Because I think I have been playing way better this summer season.” He nailed it!!! Yes, I have totally checked in with my concern levels with all my kid’s activities (ps. this is a practice of all practices when it comes to my kids!) I have been practicing observer mode and using my natural ability to care…but watch closely if it stars to go into concern! I let go of wanting anything different for my kids so that I may care and love them exactly where they are at in life and exactly the amazing being that they are in every given moment….especially the ordinary moments!
I feel beyond liberated with this new way of thinking and I am so grateful for the insight and for my family’s ability to explore this with me. We are now all free to deal with our own emotions without one of us going into concern for each other and casting unwanted spells on each other:) Time to take our magic back and use it for the good…self-care!!!
One more quick story to illustrate the most recent challenge for me to practice this new way of thinking. Our pet rat Spirit (the rat formally known as Boo). He developed a second tumor a few weeks back. I was very aware of this new way of thinking for myself and when Jalena came to me with worry about the newly found tumor, I took a breath and said, “ok, well there is nothing we can do right now medically speaking, let’s go take a look.” Because I didn’t pick up the temptation of concern, it gave Jalena enough space to have he own emotions. The fist tumor, I cried right away and took on all the worry. This time she was able to express that she was afraid that he was going to die. I got the opportunity to care for her as she cried into my arms. We did a healing session on him with our beloved Anna Champman that night and renamed him (based on intuition that came to Jalena and I) and then we calmly waited for 3 weeks to bring him in, taking in all the considerations. The tumor grew at an exponential rate (probably doubled from what is shown here)