Complacency…a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of, or unconcerned with, unpleasant realities or harmful possibilities; self-satisfaction; smugness.
- Why are you so complacent with your performance when I know you can do better?
- Why are you ok sitting on the bench most of the game and you are the captain?
- Why are you not frustrated that you just turned the ball over for the 3rd and 4th time?
- Why don’t you care that you just let your man pass you again and score on you without any body contact?
- Why do you get intimidated so easily from the idea of someone else being good?
- Why doesn’t your team seem to care about winning or losing?
- Where is the fire in his belly to be more aggressive and where did his confidence go?
Last night after I stopped to ponder the intense conversation with Tré after his 8th grade bball game where they lost by 20 something. I found myself feeling frustration that was brewing for some time. Jake gave me the look at one point that said, “you are hitting a sore point and he is starting to feel attacked and sensitive. So I stopped. I looked at him and I said, “I need you to hear me when I say, you are doing your best and your best is good enough. And I think that you are perfect just the way you are. I am not going to love you any more or any less based on your bball performance. I just want to explore with you why I feel like I am wanting something more for you than you want it for yourself.”
So I asked him what he actually cared about when it came to bball. His answer, “To have fun.” That’s it. He loves basketball because he gets to be part of a team. He gets to dress up on game days and he likes to support his friends from the bench, especially when he is not feeling confident.
Then why is it engrained in my parent’s mind to want more for him then that!!!! So I processed it with Jake and Tré and boy was I surprised (and embarrassed) to find out that I was preaching to myself AGAIN!
The word complacent kept coming up in my vocabulary the last few weeks and really strongly when I talked with Tré about ball. I think the word was inviting me to try it on, because I was clearly using it in the wrong context. Why am I not feeling more complacent with my life… a feeling of quiet pleasure or security? Maybe I am too focused on the possibilities of harmful outcomes or failures to feel complacent.
I have been content sitting on the sidelines lately and trying to rationalize that I am just diving more into my mother and wife roles. No…what I have been doing is trying to control outcomes in everyone else’s movie and not looking at my own. I am ‘shoulding’ all over everyone, including myself and it isn’t helping. It’s that point in my life that I have reached many times before of realizing that I am on autopilot again, and I want to take back control… and then I realize that I can’t because I’m not actually the pilot. I can give input as the co-pilot, but I am not in full control. So I like to throw a fit about it before I accept that I am leaking energy left and right wanting things for others more than they want it for themselves. This has left me feeling unfulfilled and I have been looking in all the wrong places to get filled up.
I find myself sitting on the bleachers in a gym 4-5 times a week right now and I think I missed the lesson until now. As these three incredible human beings are figuring out the sport, their bodies, their mind, emotions and being part of a team, I am on the sidelines trying to control every aspect. I have to realize that I am no longer on the court and that I am a spectator now and their #1 fan. I would like to be more mindful in this role so that I can take it into the game that matters the most… my life. Thank you for the gentle guidance kiddos. I think you are amazing athletes and human beings and I wish nothing more for you then you wish for yourselves.
- I let go of what other people will think.
- I let go of wanting ‘better’ for my kids.
- I let go of giving them the solutions instead of guiding them inside themselves for the answers.
- I let go of my need for control.
- I let go of resisting change and looking for the answer outside of me.