The National MS Society is a collective of passionate individuals who want to do something about MS now—to move together toward a world free of multiple sclerosis. MS stops people from moving. We exist to make sure it doesn’t.
Let’s just say that this was not my place to feel inspired or connected every step of the way! When my friend asked me to participate in the Portland MS Society Walk to support one of her friends, I felt an immediate need to defend my position on not supporting the drug companies. Here was my over-processed response to her…
I’m having the hardest time making a decision. Everything in me doesn’t want to support MS society and their belief. On the other hand I know it is triggering me and usually that is a guide to go towards something. Do you have a team? Am I just showing up or do I have to register? I may need to just process through this with you tomorrow. I want to see you and meet your friend and a walk sounds lovely. I just want to know that I can turn off the judgement that I am already feeling towards it. That is probably why it is calling to me…so that I can practice my compassion for myself and others. That is a way confusing answer to what is a yes or no question that you asked me. Lol. I’ll try to call ya tomorrow morning:) k
MS society’s motto is that MS stops people from moving, but I stand for a rare few I suppose, that the disease woke up and moved me into the life I had always yearned for. This way of thinking can be a bit lonely in a sea of people that have lost hope. Not to mention the 10 drug company tents that give the promise that ‘something’ will fix them. I decided to go without my family because I wasn’t looking for support, rather I was curious of playing the supporting role. So I joined a group of 20 some people that I had never met that spoke another language. We were to meet up at the statue of the man with the umbrella, which couldn’t have been more fitting for one of the analogies I have used for my MS journey…When I got the MS diagnosis, I accepted an umbrella (metaphorical of course) that I was told to carry because it was about to pour down on me. As long as I held onto to that MS umbrella, I lost all curiosity of what my body was really trying to tell me. Instead of a headache and a message to fill up my love tank, it would be ‘Oh, God, is this another lesion starting?!” It was all about fear and for me, the drugs felt like chickee juice flaming the fire of fear. The drug told me that I didn’t have control over this, that my body didn’t know what it was doing and that I was sadly…broken:( Drugs for another person in a similar boat might represent hope and safety. I had to honor that I had a deep knowing inside me that if I created 3 amazingly, perfect human beings, that no one could tell me that I couldn’t fix a few lesions on my spine and brain. So off to the man with the umbrella celebrating the drugs:)
Before I begin the walk, I am posed with one more tricky question…. What color necklace would you like? “Blue-you know someone with MS.” Purple-“You are walking for a friend with MS.” and Orange-“You have MS.” “Can I have one of each please?” Midway through the walk, as I am shivering and being pelted by rain, I feel as though there are daggers in my hip joints! I start the panic of, “Oh, God is this MS stuff?” WHAT…where did that thought even come from!!!? Then I take a deep breath and look up the emotions behind hip problems in my You Can Heal Your Life app….Fear of going forward in major decisions. Nothing to move forward to. Then it dawns on me!!! This pain isn’t all mine! As I gaze around at all the wheelchairs and walkers I wonder, ‘Could it be that I took on the collective energy of a group of people that may or may not feel like they don’t have much to move forward to?’ I released the fear that it was all mine and it dissipated enough to get through the rest of the walk comfortably. Yay me! I even got a rainbow to celebrate on the way home to show me that I was ‘On Course’ through the day.
After the walk I went to my new friend’s house for a little after party. I watched her as she was surrounded with her closest friends and family as they celebrated her hard year and asked her questions about her MS and the diagnosis. I am stunned to hear the most similar diagnosis story to my own in ALL the stories I have heard. No one asked about my story and there was really no curiosity towards why the unknown woman was even there. I engaged in many conversations on the surface and did great as an observer. To my surprise when I got home I had some emotions arise! The kids asked how the walk was as they continued the play what they were engaged in and never stopped while they asked. Jake asked if I had a good time and continued his work as well. I started to feel sad, overwhelmed and confused and couldn’t figure out why. I finally start to process with Jake later that night and I was able to uncover the wave of emotions…
I had uncovered that sometimes a disease gives us the opportunity to be an expert on something.
I realized that I want and need support from my family, but it is more important in my journey right now to learn how to build that feeling of security and support from the inside out. No longer attracting it from a place of addictive drama of a disease talk.
I am an empath and sometimes I have to understand that all that I am feeling isn’t always ALL mine;)
My life is no longer at dis-ease and I am a beacon for all those that are looking for uplifting possibilities in their life. I will continue to listen to my body and lead a self-actualized (Expressing one’s creativity, quest for spiritual enlightenment, pursuit of knowledge, and the desire to give to society) life!
I am celebrating that I am now choosing to see that life is happening FOR me, not TO me…and that my body is ALWAYS working FOR me, not against me. I am grateful for all the insight and reminders that this little adventure took me on and I am happy that I said yes.
I am grateful for the ON COURSE sightings in the day that gave me reassurance and encouragement!