While in the emergency room waiting for a diagnosis, I had a weird excitement running through me. As I sat in the oncology department getting my fourth steroid transfusion, there it was again, that weird tingle of importance and anticipation coursing through my veins. I was actually looking forward to telling people that I just got a big diagnosis. I was inspired to show people the new face of MS and what a very good patient I was, beating all the odds. Strange, I know, but let me explain.
When the fear of ending up in a wheelchair and seeing the pity on everyone’s face hit me harder than the actual diagnosis I started to feel the bigger fears: the fear of living outside the norms and comfort zones I had created for myself, the fear of feeling…deeply feeling. I was a stressed out mama of three, a wife that was trying to fit the traditional mold, and a woman that was sick for her seventh Christmas in a row.
I began to look for the answers outside myself to do anything not to feel the fear of having the diagnosis and also not following the only protocol western medicine said would work. I stepped into the journey that would result in someone or something fixing me. So the healing journey began, and so many amazing people and modalities showed up one after another in my life and started to challenge how I saw everything!
After many ups and downs and disappointments from putting expectations on healers, I began to wonder two questions:…What if the answers I was searching for were already inside? What if I was never broken in the first place and my body never turned against me, but rather, was trying to help me? It wasn’t until I began to explore and believe in the power of my body, mind and spirit connection that I began to dive inside and find possibilities. I felt more and more alive each day and everything was changing at an accelerated pace.
I found myself surrounded by the most inspiring “WE”. I was arising everyday with the mantra, “Today’s a new day and I’m a new me!” I found myself starting to feel there was way more to me and my journey than the labels I had practiced my whole life. The healing journey started to morph into a spiritual journey where gratitude and feeling emotions would be far more powerful than the fear that once numbed my body. I am grateful each day for the wake up through the diagnosis. I want to continue to surround myself with new possibilities through community and explore the reasons that the words Live Everything Mindful came through me. I don’t believe that my definition of mindfulness will ever fit into the mainstream meanings. But, I do know that I am able to look through a new lens of how life is happening for me, not to me.